Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Diary Entry: Trees and Fields

Hello All,
I'm acutely aware of time passing, but when I look back at my life, I've made such an effort to keep my time consistent it seems as if my life will just keep going on. I know it won't, so I don't know what to think of my eternal childhood. When little, first I played in the forest behind my house in Connecticut, and then in the choked and shallow creeks of North Carolina --always returning to my stuffed animals, books, and daydreams in my room, no matter what age.
In my adulthood, I played in the online forests and fields of video games (MMORPGs), while often doing much the same in real life (swimming, drawing, reading, writing, dancing around in my room). I wonder how long it will be that I can count the months on one hand where my life hasn't changed too much. I even had the same cat from 7 to 27, and desperately clung onto my parents and their house till I was 28. Age hasn't taken much of a toll on me, I look much the same now as I have for many years.
I live in fear of the time when I lose that continuity. With every change in my life I always wonder, "Is it now?" For the present, I'm unemployed and mostly isolated in my apartment, so I have plenty of time to scour over the past, and try to keep things up. It's my reluctance to break this continuous chain of events from my past to present that leaves me by myself, and unsure of my future. I just hope I can add another link rather than break the chain when I'm finally forced to do something different.
In the meanwhile, I can look back at the recent past and see how I continued to be able to play with my sister or a friend in the woods or fields, even though it may have been in computer world. I really miss listening to "Trout Mask Replica" by Captain Beefheart, or "Freak Out" by Frank Zappa, while playing the futuristic MMORPG "Anarchy Online." To some people it will seem nerdy, or unseemly for someone past childhood to gild something like that, but I haven't been as happy as I was then... ever since. I still had my parents watching TV downstairs, some good friends, my older sister playing with me, my childhood bedroom, my childhood cats, my grandmother, and my daydreams of "what I would be when I grew up." That was only a matter of years ago.
Now, I feel I can only be happy it wasn't that long ago, and hope this isn't the time when things are going to change, and my charmed, immortal childhood will end. I'm not finished growing up, and I'm not ready to decide what I want to be yet.
See you later,

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