Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Happy-Disrepair Dream

Hello All,
I had a dream worth recording last night. As it began, a man and I were in bed together. We weren't having sex, we were just sleeping together. It was really humid in the room, and the window was open. The man I was with was older than me, he seemed very adult and manful. I felt somewhat dazzled to be in this situation with such an authoritative, masculine man. We both had insomnia together, and were knotting and twisting on the bed in a sweaty beige sheet. We would wake up every hour or so, drink wine and smoke a cigar, and talk until one or the other could sleep again. I remember the man would lay the cigar on the windowsill, and every time we woke up, he would tap the ashes off the cigar, and it'd still be burning.
I also had the impression the house we were in didn't have electricity. When we woke up, we went our different ways in the neighborhood. It was a strange neighborhood tucked away down a muddy dirt road in the woods. It seemed like some people's houses didn't have either running water or electricity, or only had one or the other. Everyone seemed to know each other (including myself), and gathered in the middle of the neighborhood each morning to figure out what to do that day. In this particular day, we decided to play in an abandoned school at the edge of the neighborhood. Both the neighborhood and the school sat by a large lake. The dirt road left the neighborhood between the school and the houses, and crossed the lake.
After visiting the abandoned school, we all went to the other side of the lake. All the houses on the other side of the lake were completely abandoned. We put candles all over the outsides of the houses and the trees around them, and got dressed into scary costumes. It was like a Halloween parade. We all went our separate ways after this festival. I heard a car come down the dirt road, and went to hide. I think this side of the lake was abandoned because it was too accessible to the general public, and the neighborhood I lived in on the other side of the lake was kind of a hidden community.
I tried to get down the dirt road to get across the lake back to the inhabited side of it, but the road was flooded. Some normal people (people not a part of the hidden community) had driven a jeep to the edge of where the road was washed out, and were swimming and playing in the water. I avoided their sight, jumped in the lake and swam back to the inhabited side of the lake. I remember walking through the abandoned school, and seeing a watermark on the wall where the flood waters had come up to. That's when I noticed the sound of construction workers in the school, and I quickly left it before I was noticed. I guess it was being reclaimed.
I went back to my neighborhood and told the people about the normal people swimming by the washed-out road. A bunch of them went out and swam to the edge of the washed-out road and started harassing and playing pranks on the normal people. Someone, I'm supposing it was the guy I was sleeping with, handed me the cigar again. It was still lit, so I smoked from it again. I then began to think about all the people who had been murdered in their lakeside houses, on the other side of the lake, and thought to myself, "It's dangerous to live by a lake."
Thank you for reading,

Friday, July 27, 2007


Hello All,
Today I found out I've been declined for unemployment aid, nearly 6 weeks after I first applied. Naturally I was upset and laid down. The substance of my life is very thin now. I had a dream swhirling with everything I've read and done in the past 6 weeks.
I was wearing the embroidered robe of a priest, but it was tightly cinched at the waist like a dress. I remember thinking about my last name. It's "Guilarte" and is Euskara, that's the language of the Basque people, and I'm half Basque. My name means "From the Oak Tree." Dressed as I was, I walked into a forest with so much undergrowth I felt as if I was wading through water. I came to an oak tree.
I sat there staring at it quietly for a while. I saw a long unicorn horn come out of it. I thought it was going to stab me because it came right for me. Instead, the horn slid along my shoulder and between my hair, which hangs far past my shoulders. Then I saw the unicorn. It's body was furry and flexible like a cat's body, and it's face was long, but exceptionally narrow for a horse's. It began to speak to me. The unicorn's lips curled and puckered like a human's lips. It whispered into my ear, as if to remind me,
"Judge ye not, "I am a withered tree."
"Judge ye not, "I am a withered tree."
"Judge ye not, "I am a withered tree."
I woke up, and don't feel any better. I'm thin skinned, and exceptionally afraid. Is there any act of humankind that can calm me?
Thank you for reading,

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Diary Entry: Trees and Fields

Hello All,
I'm acutely aware of time passing, but when I look back at my life, I've made such an effort to keep my time consistent it seems as if my life will just keep going on. I know it won't, so I don't know what to think of my eternal childhood. When little, first I played in the forest behind my house in Connecticut, and then in the choked and shallow creeks of North Carolina --always returning to my stuffed animals, books, and daydreams in my room, no matter what age.
In my adulthood, I played in the online forests and fields of video games (MMORPGs), while often doing much the same in real life (swimming, drawing, reading, writing, dancing around in my room). I wonder how long it will be that I can count the months on one hand where my life hasn't changed too much. I even had the same cat from 7 to 27, and desperately clung onto my parents and their house till I was 28. Age hasn't taken much of a toll on me, I look much the same now as I have for many years.
I live in fear of the time when I lose that continuity. With every change in my life I always wonder, "Is it now?" For the present, I'm unemployed and mostly isolated in my apartment, so I have plenty of time to scour over the past, and try to keep things up. It's my reluctance to break this continuous chain of events from my past to present that leaves me by myself, and unsure of my future. I just hope I can add another link rather than break the chain when I'm finally forced to do something different.
In the meanwhile, I can look back at the recent past and see how I continued to be able to play with my sister or a friend in the woods or fields, even though it may have been in computer world. I really miss listening to "Trout Mask Replica" by Captain Beefheart, or "Freak Out" by Frank Zappa, while playing the futuristic MMORPG "Anarchy Online." To some people it will seem nerdy, or unseemly for someone past childhood to gild something like that, but I haven't been as happy as I was then... ever since. I still had my parents watching TV downstairs, some good friends, my older sister playing with me, my childhood bedroom, my childhood cats, my grandmother, and my daydreams of "what I would be when I grew up." That was only a matter of years ago.
Now, I feel I can only be happy it wasn't that long ago, and hope this isn't the time when things are going to change, and my charmed, immortal childhood will end. I'm not finished growing up, and I'm not ready to decide what I want to be yet.
See you later,

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Another Homlessness Dream

Hello All,

For the sake of documentation, I decided to go ahead and record yet another homelessness dream I had on Sunday night. It's the second dream I've had that involves Christians trying to kill me. At some point in time, I'll write down the other one I had a number of months ago... hopefully, within proximity to this post, but I've been busy in the past few days, so I have no ideal how well I'll be able to organize my next few posts.

I had a dream I lived in a rather organized slum. The buildings were made of scrap-wood and corrugated metal boards. The main path was dirt, but had ditches dug on the sides to channel waste water and what-not down the sides of the road. Each building had a little plank that went over the ditch and into their entrances. I was looking for something in one of the buildings. I remember this slum being a lot like what I imagine the middle ages being like. It was very dirty, and appeared to be run by common-law within the community. I remember seeing people bath next to the waste-water ditches, and their nudity wasn't appealing at all, it was very real, and filthy...just animals taking care of their bodily needs.

I bought a compact from one of the buildings that had a razor embedded in its powder. When I left the slum, people warned me a man claimed to have a spear blessed by God he planned to kill me with. I was supposed to use the razor in the compact to kill him before he was able to attack me. I left the slum and the woods it was hidden in, and came out to a clean, suburban street. I remember the dream ending as I watched the man talking to some other people on the street. He didn't notice me coming to his side as I opened the compact and took out the razor.

Thank you for reading,


Saturday, July 21, 2007

Dreams of Home-life, Dream of Strange Life

Hello All,
I had a lot of dreams last night. I woke up with a dream where I was in some third-world country. I can't remember it's name, but its sky was milky white, almost as if it was smoky outside. I was in a rural area, and there were trees everywhere, but none of the trees had branches. The land looked like it was covered by telephone poles.
I went out into the back yard of the house I was staying in, and it was on a very steep hill that lead right down to a large river, but the incline of the hill was so steep I couldn't see the bottom of the valley. I remember there being an outhouse in the back yard. I went to a side of the house where the incline wasn't as steep, and walked down to the valley floor. There wasn't a big river as I thought, but several very broad, shallow, creeks. Some kid threw a rock in the water, and I heard an old man say, "Oh he wants to wake the country of so-and-so (whatever the name of the country was).
At this point in the dream, something in the wilderness made a noise kind of like an owl's hoot, but with the raspiness of a pig's squeal. Then it seemed like the whole opposite side of the woods from where I stood started repeating the sound, just like an echo. The noise got louder every time it was repeated. I looked into the woods, but couldn't see anything making the noise. As I was looking in the woods, I heard the same old man call the animal the Rising so-and-so (after the name of the country). He said that only its own kind could "limit its scourge or scope."
Earlier in the night, I had three dreams related to home-life. I'll start from the first to last. The first one was a revision of what actually happened in the past. In real life, I stopped working as an assistant accountant, took that summer to study for the GRE, started taking classes that Fall, and was then accepted into graduate school in the Spring semester, but in the dream. I went back to work part-time for awhile (maybe almost a year?) before going to graduate school full-time.
I wore slacks and a button down shirt, and felt so nervous about going to work I threw up in the parking lot (I really hated that job). I remember going into the office and having to start the boring cubicle routine. I thought to myself, "I'm not going to be able to work here anymore in a few months anyway, so I might as well not put myself through this anymore." I left work and went home. I still lived with my parents, and it was around Spring break for those who were in college.
I looked around my room at all the things I had ever since I was a small child. There was a three-tiered fountain outside, and it had ducks playing in the large pool of water in the bottom tier. I had different friends come and visit me as they came home to their families over Spring vacation. They were people I knew from all different phases of my life in my real life. I remember talking to one of them. We were both sitting on my bed and I was looking out the window watching the ducks in the fountain, thinking I could watch them all day.
The next dream was much shorter. I was in a parking lot of some offices in the process of being built. I remember watching the builders' progress in one office over two nights, and once it got dark wanted to look in the window to see what it looked like inside, but I was afraid some sort of alarm would go off. I was about to go to sleep in the parking lot, but then it dawned on me it'd be safer to sleep in my car.
In the last dream in this series, I was living in our house in Connecticut. I got up in the middle of the night to look for something downstairs. I accidentally came across one of my Mom's hiding spots for sweets. I decided to just take half a pastry, so my Mom wouldn't be too angry with me, but when I went to heat it up, it got all gooey, so I had to eat the whole thing. I felt really bad about it and decided to buy my Mom another one when I got home from school the next day (I was probably about high-school age in this dream). I went upstairs and started to get tired. I could hear my parents wake up early and start moving around downstairs.
My Mom was talking about going to see a concert in London and my Dad was talking about the cost. They were putting up a Christmas tree. I was finally about to fall asleep again when I heard my Dad calling me. I must of been coming out of my dream and falling into deeper sleep in real life because I remember thinking if I were my black cat (Winkerton) I wouldn't have to wake up and go downstairs because then I could turn invisible.
I supposed I had a more active than usual night last night because I'm feeling a little sick today.
Thank you for reading,

Friday, July 20, 2007

To Touch the Pacific Ocean

Hello All,

I thought it important to include a picture that proves I do Indeed get dressed some days, but sought to comfort you with my usual morning picture (the one with my hair down). In this post I'm continuing my transfer of dreams from my old blog. This dream is part of my beach dream phase. I actually had one other beach dream that I never recorded, so I suppose I'll try to record it here for the first time, but first here is the one I wrote down.

I'll have to malign my rather stuffy old roommate a bit to record this dream. In the dream, Ashley (the ex-roommate) and I had to go to a conference out in Utah. The conference ended nearly as soon as we got there, but filled with an adventurous spirit gained from making such a trek from my home-state of North Carolina, I told Ashley I wanted to go ahead and see the Pacific Ocean, since we had gone so far already. As typical, my ex-roommate reacted with irritation as she was excited to get back to her normal television-programmed routine in NC and snapped at me saying, "I've already done that!" I withheld myself from arguing (which trust me, isn't normal for me) and drove her back to our apartment in North Carolina, and drove myself all the way back out West. I arrived in San Fransisco.

I reached the city exhausted, and needed to stay in a hotel before I could continue on my trek to touch the Pacific Ocean. I remember watching a documentary in the hotel room. It was about a local eccentric. A scruffy long-haired man, who pedaled around on his bike, with a baby-doll dress on (the similarity to me is noted). This man was strikingly ugly to the point where he was cute, much the way people think pug-dogs are cute. He was noted in the neighborhood for his child-like personality. He had rode his bike into a dangerous neighborhood because a woman there had offered to plait his hair into dutch braids (corn-rows).

The police stopped him, knocked him off his bike, and beat him to death because of his appearance. At that point, I had finally fallen asleep in my crusty hotel room bed. My parents are full-time "RVers," and had happened to be in a camp-ground near San Francisco. In the morning, I called them to tell them I was nearby. My Mom approved of my trek to touch the Pacific Ocean, so they agreed to meet me at said beach, but when I got there (in a rent-a-car) the road ended on a high cliff. I could see the beach below, but had no idea how to get there.

My parents had the same problem as I and met me at the edge of the cliff. As we were looking out into the vast darkness of the new moon sky and black ocean, I decided to go to the rent-a-car and use my cell phone and a map to try to find where the path down to the beach was. My parents were satisfied with just standing on the cliff, looking into the outer-space like darkness, so when I found the path to the beach, I just called them and told them what I was doing. I remember the car sharply pointing down a sandy path. It slipped down the path's loose sand, and I used it as a sled to get down to the beach.

That's how that dream ended. I had another West coast beach dream I never wrote down because it seemed fragmented and silly to me. Now, referring to real life, I've dated very seldomly, so the men I've had in my life maintain their significance through the years. My first boyfriend was a guy named Terry. He was a year older than me. It was at the height of "grunge" and we both loved Courtney Love's "Hole." I was 17 and he was 18, and we both had eating disorders and angst-provoked drug habits. Naturally, it was love at first site.

In this dream we had trekked across the USA in order to fulfill my dream to touch the Pacific Ocean. Terry had some drug-buddies he met back in Baltimore who we could stay with in San Francisco. I remember their house was a four-roomed disaster, but was achingly close to the beach. Always being the prude in the group, I was nervous about staying in a house full of junkies (Terry's drug habits where rather serious, while mine still remained in the realm of youthful experimentation), but Terry isolated me from the rest of the group, so I felt relatively safe.

The first available morning, Terry and I went out to explore the sea-side, and finally touch the Pacific Ocean. I wanted to go straight to the beach and get our quest done with, but Terry wanted to show me a tide-pool where ostriches had colonized. We were just a dune away from the ocean, and I remember walking along it, looking at the ocean, but knowing I'd have to wait till I could go to it. We reached a copse of palm trees where the wide, shallow tide-pools began. As soon as we saw the ostriches (they were much larger than I had imagined), Terry reminded me they were very territorial, and would attack us if they thought we were a threat. He also said they would follow a potential threat for miles once startled. I was rather put-off by this and asked him if we couldn't just go to the beach.

Sure enough, as soon as I said this, the ostriches spotted us and immediately started to charge. We ran all the way back to the dilapidated junky-house, and never got to go to the beach. He tried to act like it wasn't a big deal because there was a big party at the house, blah. So there you have two more Pacific Ocean dreams.

Thank you for reading,


Wednesday, July 18, 2007

The Blood-rush of Escape Dreams

Hello All,
This is another post where I'm transferring dreams from my old blog to my new blog. The next few dreams from my old blog are all related to escape, and oddly enough, most of them have something to do with touching the Pacific Ocean, something I've never done. I had this dream about 3 and a half months ago.
I lived in a new prospering city. A place that could only exist on the West Coast, it's European history remarkably brief. I lived in a hotel stories upon stories high, with every thing inside. A tower of elevators and escalators, vast windows and unending views out into the sea. I was a completely different person. I was someone I'd be attracted to, rather than myself.
I'd go to my school, only to go out to the beach in front of it's large tempered-glass windows, framed with steel piping. I put on a wet suit, and swam as the sun set. The light blared through everything, it obscured the landscape as much as fog. I was late for class because I couldn't leave the rushing ocean and intense level of sunlight. I never feel so much energy in real life as I feel in dreams like these.
I soon went back to class as the evening took hold, and only looked forward to the next day to where I again could be so completely blasted by sunlight. I woke up with an incredible amphetamine rush, that only lasted a few minutes, and then I went back to bed. Real life, is so much like, trying to drag a soggy, dead body to shore.
Thank you for reading,


Hello All,
I dreamt unpleasantly last night. However, I take any dream as information, and also as my own little movie, so I can't disapprove too much of any dream. I decided to take a picture of Angie and I this morning. Each day, she wakes up around 3am and proceeds to play with her loudest toys (I live in a studio apartment, so it's basically one room), and to tread in every place she knows she's not supposed to go (kitchen sink, my desk). The past few days she's been better behaved, so I thought she deserved a close-up.
My dream began with me driving to bring an item to a doctor at their home, so it was a personal visit, and not an appointment. When I got there, the doctor wanted to take some sort of test sample from me anyway. The doctor anesthetized me without my knowledge or permission, and locked me in the bathroom. When I came too again, I felt very sick and the doctor had done something to my legs that made it hard to walk, and had operated on one of my teeth, so the tooth was almost all gone, and replaced by a clamp with a dull lead-like finish.
The doctor came to the bathroom to see if I had woken up yet. I was very angry and admonished him for not even giving me anything to read. He gave me a newspaper, but I left anyway. I lived with a number of people of different ages, including a girl about 8 or 9 years old. The girl had trouble understanding the seriousness of the rule that my cat is never allowed outside. Some big mess occurred, and everyone gathered to clean it up, but my cat (in the dream it wasn't Angie, but a long-furred, orange, tabby kitten) kept on trying to get in the mess. The girl suggested putting the cat outside, and I became very angry with her.
The next day, I drove out into the country to visit a friend. I'm always nervous about driving into the country, it doesn't feel safe. In Raleigh, once you leave the city it becomes even more conservative. The rural culture in North Carolina is dramatically different from the urban culture (and the urban culture isn't particularly progressive either). In some directions, it only takes a few miles of driving to find your self surrounded by the religion-fueled fear and hatred of the untamed tobacco lands. I arrived at my friend's house, carefully noting landmarks and streets, so I could get back home.
I stayed later than I wanted. I don't like driving at night, but I hate staying over the night even more. I made it home easily, relieved to be back in familiar territory. Unfortunately (and I can't remember the reason), I had to go back out into the country the next day, but this time I just couldn't find the way back home. I eventually had to stop and ask one of the natives directions, but he gave me some smart-assed reply and walked off patting himself on the back for being rude to the weird city-fag.
However, some local homosexuals overheard the incident, and told me where I was and how to get back home. They (perhaps a group of 5 or so) said I could stay at their place and make the drive tomorrow. Unfortunately, I really was far away, and felt it wiser to accept their offer. When I go to their house, it was very dirty and in much disrepair. I'm not the cleanest person on Earth, but their house was way past my threshold of decency. I figured it was just one night, and any motel would be just as unhygienic.
An older man in the house, yelling at a young couple, woke me up in the middle of the night. The two young men were standing out in the hall, as the older man raged on about how irresponsible and indecent they were. The problem seemed to center around their room, so I walked by the hall and looked in, and saw one cat on the bed that seemed to be dead and another laid on the floor as if mortally wounded, while a third cat poked at it. I was very upset and just went back to my room and decided to stay awake until the sun rose, when I could leave.
The morning came, and all the cats seemed fine, but the one man was still very angry with the couple. I was thoroughly upset by the experience, and just wanted to get out of the hinterlands. As I got in my car to leave, I noticed an ugly sweaty guy on a lawn mower staring in the window of a neighbor's house. He lustily stared at a very worn looking housewife as she exercised in front of the TV on her exercise ball. She had raccoon-like eyeliner on, and a big frizzy hairdo. She looked as if she was being held up by her rolls of fat. She was staring through the window back at this guy on the lawn mower. Bits of dirt and grass were glued to the sweat on his bald head. She clearly enjoyed his voyeurism. It made my already disturbing experience seem much worse.
The dream was actually more upsetting than amusing, but it seemed to be covered with an inappropriately comedic lacquer. I think that's what made the dream so unpleasant.
Thank you for reading,

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Looking Back

Hello All,
Ever since I had the dream I posted in "Frenetic Acting" I always think, "If I had done things right in my life, that's where I would have been now." I really love dreams for giving me a taste of having a vibrant and curious life. This is perhaps the earliest dream I remember. I had this dream when I was three or four.
My parents, my best friend Craig Gillan, and I were on a cruise ship. Every thing looked adult and fancy, and I remember the pressure to be on my best behavior. I had to go to the bathroom. I turned the faucet on to wash my hands. I tried to turn the faucet off, but it just wouldn't turn off. The sink basin began to overflow, and I kept trying to turn it off.
Soon fish started to come through the faucet, and the sink looked like a little aquarium, but then the sea began to fill the cruise ship. I couldn't turn the faucet off, the knob just screwed off. We all went to the deck, and some kid had to go overboard with an inflatable raft, then they just brought her back up onto the ship, and said, "See what you did to her."

That's when I noticed we were still docked. There really wasn't any danger at all, but the ship's captain was still acting like we were all going to drown at sea. As punishment they threw me and my Dad into the sea. I remember him trying to grab hold of me under the water. It looked like we were underneath the deep end of a pool. I started to breath the water, and we both began to turn into fish.
My dream world has always had such a tangible feel to me, my whole life. It's as if it's a place I can go to, if only I knew how to drive to it.
Thank you for reading,

Decisions and Changes

Hello All,

Here is a picture of Angie this morning, and a picture of me standing in front of my desk. The highest picture in the photograph is a picture I drew of the Julian and the Hurricane dream. Last night I had one of those dreams that presents itself in an annoying patchwork, but I'll try to make sense of it here.

The dream began with me in school. A war raged in the continental USA, so it was mandatory for everyone to be trained in the military. I was the teacher's pet in this program and expected to participate in a street battle in a part of the city not secured from the invaders.

I had ethical problems, both with killing people, and with risking my own life, which my parents, the school, and I had spent so many resources and time into teaching and training as an educated member of society. However, my commander (or whatever he'd be called in the military) was so proud of me I had planned to go ahead with the battle and not disappoint him.

Some of my class mates began to also question my decision to go on with participating in active battle. I had considered revealing my status as a sexual minority to have myself kicked-out of the military, but that seemed a very cheap and dishonorable way to go. A friend of mine laid-out an easy plan to go AWOL, and I decided that would be a better way to skip-out of military service because I wouldn't be using my minority status as a wild card to get out of a sticky situation.

It seemed in the dream I had already graduated, and this battle was just a graduating step as far as the military school went, so I just left the campus, and that was that. I thought of the surprise that'd swarm around my military associates and teacher. Now finished with school, and having made my decision to not participate in battle, I returned to my hometown.

My hometown had changed significantly. All the old buildings were there, but so many new buildings had been built, that in some places I had to concentrate to see the old neighborhood underneath. I decided to stay at a small motel operation on the second floor of some offices, and only had about two rooms. The offices seemed to be a place my parents would take me when I was little (such as a dentist office), so they remembered me after spending some time scrutinizing my face. I stayed in one of the rooms and visited my parents. I noticed how the suburbs began to have an urban feel, like row-houses in Baltimore.

I went back to where ever I lived by myself for a short awhile, and then came back to my hometown to visit my parents again. I went to the small motel above the offices again. The people recognized me, and let me walk around unsupervised, but I still felt put off by how quickly the people became unfamiliar with me again. I decided not to stay there. I felt it would be better to just make it a day trip.
I left the motel, and walked down the street, as the turn to my old neighborhood was only a few blocks away. The once quiet (and miserably dull) streets had become full of busy people. I noticed people I knew and talked to, only as long ago as a few years, but they already seemed to have completely forgotten about me. I just kept walking. The police and firefighters had cordoned off a house, and evidently someone was still on fire from the house fire, and they were trying to put this person out. Even though I saw all sorts of people I knew around me, only a stranger started to talk to me about the incident.
I continued to walk down the street, but it soon began to seem more like downtown than it should. I had missed my turn, evidently some building had been built where the turn once had been. I wanted to take the next turn possible, but the wall of buildings remained unbroken. I entered the inner city gates (kind of like a European city has a walled in "old town"). Finally, I saw a turn on the left, the way I needed to go. When I took that street, it came up to a gated tunnel. When I opened the gate, wind rushed out of the tunnel, blowing me backwards. The tunnel was actually an entrance to the old city, and the rush of air was meant to encourage people entering the area to keep on walking.
I kept on looking for a way to turn around and get to my parents house, and the dream ended somewhere around there. Well, I need to get myself ready to go to Cindy's house.
Thank you for reading,

Monday, July 16, 2007

Secret Rooms, Alternate Lives

Hello All,
I decided I have enough energy to transfer another dream post from my old blog. It's actually rather good timing because I just re-read one of the dreams from its original source in one of my diaries, so have it better memorized than when I recorded it in my old blog. Today has followed the pattern of the past number of days, feeling mysteriously uncomfortable, and aggravatingly unproductive. I simply can't settle down to the things I want to do, so at least I can do this.
I have re-occurring dreams of looking through my grandmother's house (she has been dead for almost five years now). Often, she has just died, and I'm at her house trying to save sentimental things from being thrown out, or taken by strangers. Other times, I'm just looking through the house to try and get to know more about her. My grandfather died when my Mom was 17, so I never met him. In my grandmother's-house dreams, my grandfather lives in a secret room.
In one dream, I was looking through each room to try and find a secret door. I finally found one, it was disguised by being in the corner of the room, rather than being a door flat against the wall. I opened the door and the room was shaped like an octagon, rather than having just four walls. The walls were green trimmed with gold baroque designs and little cupids. The furniture had green velvet upholstery, with gold-gilded wood. Every bit of counter space was covered with images of the saints, jewelry boxes, photos in fancy picture frames, and ornate bottles and vases, some with gaudy fake flowers in them.
In another grandmother's-house dream, I asked my grandmother if I could go to the bathroom. She excused me, I finished going to the bathroom, but accidentally loudly dropped the lid of the toilet. A secret door flung open behind the toilet, and my grandfather's angry silhouette appeared with red light glaring behind it. His anger was so powerful that it seemed like a bolt of lighting was pulsing through the whole image of him and the secret door. I quickly ran out and slammed the bathroom door shut.
One of the stranger grandmother's-house dreams I've had started as usual, with me looking through the trinkets and rooms in her house, trying to learn more about her. An older lady who was a tenant in the upstairs portion of the house invited me to look around her apartment. When I came downstairs my whole family was there as if it were Christmas or Thanksgiving. It seemed like no one noticed me, or I wasn't supposed to speak them.
I left the house to go to a bar, and that's when I realized I was some big fair-haired guy with a beard. I was dressed like a blue collar worker. I was drinking a beer with another guy at the bar, and we went out to the side walk in front because there was a big crowd on the street. We saw a large spaceship flying low over Middletown (NY). We acted as if it was a normal sight, but soon some smaller shuttles (or perhaps they were robots) began to approach the bar. Their lights came on and alarms went off. We, and the other people outside, ran into the bar to warn everyone that the aliens where about to enter the bar. And the strangest thing is, me and the other man ran into the bar and we had our own families. We took our wives and children, and snuck out of the bar to hide from the aliens. How strange to have a dream of being some blue collar straight guy.
Even though it was a bad dream, I remember it left me with a refreshed feeling, just the chance at being someone different for a little while. I have another dream I"m going to post soon, where I get to be a different person for a while (this time a single woman), and it too gave me a strange feeling for a few days. I think I had the aliens dream when my grandmother was still alive, but I'm not sure if she was alive during the other dreams or not. I've always felt estranged from both of my grandmother's because neither of them spoke English very well. I think with my Italian grandmother, it was actually more that she had a heavy accent, than she didn't speak English well. It still ended up being a language barrier when I was growing up. I guess the cultural barrier was a more significant obstacle in getting to know either of my grandmothers.
Thank you for reading,


Hello All,

This is the way I'm going to wear my hair for any interview. You can't tell in the picture, but I've parted my hair from the side, so it looks like a pomaded man's hairstyle from the front. Hopefully, for an interview my hair will be dry though. I'm not going to wear earrings, and am going to wear glasses instead of contact lenses. It's really about as business-casual as I can get. I'm hoping with practice I'll learn to put my hair up more tidily. My hair would never lay so flat if it was short, I'm having fun learning to put my hair up. I wish I could do more complicated braid-work.

With this post, I'm trying to move my dream-posts from a blog I no longer write in, to this one. Here are two love dreams I remember. This first one I'm going to tell you is one I had five months ago, the second one I had about 14 years ago. The more recent dream, is one I had when I was feeling very sick, and felt nauseous every time I tried to get out of bed. It's frightening to be so sick, when you live alone.

I dreamt I had a boyfriend, who sat at the desk behind my bed, trying to open a bottle of aspirin for me (that's it). The boyfriend was a person I had a crush on as a teenager in real life. He was one of those people who seemed to have every reason to date me, but wouldn't because I was too young and too "weird." I liked him because he was very left-brained and together. The very opposite of me. It's unfortunate during that brief period of time, say from the ages of 12-22, when I still had crushes full of blind love and pure emotional thinking, I was beset by man after man who simply would never think of it. It always seemed to be because I was strange, and unlikely to lead a conventional life.

It would have been nice to have some one to struggle through life with, especially rooted from that time of "young love" and "high-school sweethearts." Well, I've never had much success with romance and have remained single for most of my life. There will always be those times when I'm sick or frightened, and wish I had someone physically present as some beacon of humankind. Nearly all my relationships are transmitted by satellite it seems. Here is a dream with a more wistful note, it's from when I was 17 0r 18.

In the dream, my best-friend at the time (Marcus Gill) and I went on vacation to Scandinavia. Marcus had some business to attend to, so he dropped me off at the apartment of a friend he knew. The apartment complex was new and had an inviting pool, shining brightly in the mid-day. The man's name was Julian. We liked each other very much. I was thrilled and wanted to make the most of my time with him.

Julian wanted to show me his job, but at the same time wanted to keep it as a surprise for me. I grew more curious, and a little worried, as we arrived at the coast. We got into a little row boat and began to paddle out into the wide sea. The coast had islets of pillar-like rocks, very jagged and threatening. The sky and sea began to well up and join each other in the same colors. A great storm was coming.

I then learned Julian was a hurricane researcher. It was his job to row his boat out into these enormous storms. He took measurements beneath the sea when the storm was at its worse. He tied his ankle to a wooden board he used as a marker, so you would know where he was underwater. I felt I should trust him and not seem worried, but I really was. He took a confident dive into the water, his body outstretched with no evident fear of the waves that seemed to be curling into tighter and tighter loops each minute.

The wooden board swung like a pendulum between the troughs and crests of the waves. As I was contemplating this, it quickly occurred to me he had no breathing aide to rely upon under the water, and no matter how good he was at what he did, he still had the same human limitations as anyone. I realized he had drowned under sea. I jumped in the water and dragged the wooden board tied to his ankle onto the boat, but the rope waved loosely in the sea, and wasn't attached to anything. I felt myself waking up, and wanted to remember his name. The only thing I had was a cigarette he left burning in the boat, so I burned the name "Jules" on the wooden board, and then woke up.

I simply don't have love dreams with the frequency I once did, but when I do, it's always a nice break from the tenaciously monotonous path my life seems to walk. Much of my interest in dreams stems from the "break" they provide. If anyone out there has love dreams they would like to share, or perhaps dreams of uncanny similarity, please say so. It's also interesting to hear the life circumstances occurring when the dream was dreamt.

Thank you for reading,


Saturday, July 14, 2007

Frenetic Acting

Hello all,

Here's a picture of me this morning, and a picture of Jackie Curtis dressed up all pretty. His picture kind of matches the mode of my dream this morning.

My dream started with a movie-feel, the motion was even sped-up like a movie might do as a special effect. I drove my car, following another car to an old shopping center. It was gray and overcast outside, and the shopping center sagged with some age and use, but tall trees surrounded everything. The trees looked more vibrantly green against the dull sky. The shopping center had an odd layout. When you drove up to it, it appeared to be a one story grocery store, but once you went around the side, you realized the shopping center was built into the side of a hill (so I guess you'd say it was"split-level"). The bottom floor had several smaller shops, and cars filled the parking lot.

That's where the car I followed stopped and parked. The people then walked out of the car and into a path in the woods behind the shopping center. I lost site of them, but evidently knew where to go because I walked up the path to a three story white house (maybe about 100 years old, very narrow and tall). The house was separated into apartments. I walked up a flight of stairs built on the side of the house, and went into an apartment on the second floor. The apartment was two stories, the bottom floor was about the size of an average apartment, but the second floor only had one bedroom, and a bathroom.

The house was full of interesting stuff. There were books, clothing, rolled-up posters, mugs, and all kinds of knick-nacks all over the counters, tables, shelves, and floor. Everything was much to my taste, lots of odd and eye-catching things. I didn't have much time to look around though because about 9 other people were already there. It looked like a completely out-of-hand party and I had to remind myself we were acting in a movie. The people I followed in were already in costume and acting with everyone else, so I felt the need to hurry.

All kinds of colored lights flashed through-out the house. The music reminded me of Henry Mancini, but fast paced with the occasional beeping car, or other urban sound blended into it. Everyone had to quickly change from costume to costume (we were in "fancy-dress," as if at a masquerade party). We also had to move from room to room, from chair to couch to floor very quickly. Even the guy filming the scene (he was a young gay man who owned the house) kept on changing into different costumes and masks.

At one point in the "party" two women and I ran around through the house, and had to end up in a couch in the main room. I plopped down on the couch first, but it was small for all of us. I ended up being crushed into the corner, and the two women started dancing while sitting down, flailing their arms and legs up and down. The woman next to me kept on accidentally hitting me in the head with her arm. As we were about to get out of the couch to film the next scene, she said to me, "Look he even has a doll that's a leper, see it's on the top shelf in the closet." I looked and three dolls sat on the top shelf, they all looked like normal 1940s era baby-dolls, but one was covered by leprous sores.

I remember having to change into suspenders, and an Amish person's outfit for the next scene. Everything happened so fast, and so chaotically that I still had to remind myself we were filming a movie. Soon we stopped filming, and people started to go home. I finally got an idea of what the owner of the house looked like ( for most of the day he wore different masks and accessories that obscured his face). He started to get out of his costume, but left a robber's mask and a cheap nylon cape on. He had been rather intimidating to this point because I was so impressed he was filming a movie, and had such a great collection of stuff. He had excellent taste in movies, music, books, and other odds and ends. I'm sure he would of had "Popiol i Diament" (in movie form, not the book), or "The Balcony" by Jean Genet.

To this point in the movie this guy had been telling everyone what to do, but as you got to get a better glimpse of him he seemed like a normal approachable person. He allowed me to look around the house and borrow some things. I picked up an article of clothing (something flowy, lavender, and sheer), an interesting looking mug, and a few books. I only remember two of the books. One of them was "The Book of Toth," and another one was a woman's fashion guide from the 1950's called "How to Dress from Head to Toe." The last other actor began to leave and I jumped on the floor covered with all the stuff I borrowed, and she sighed because earlier she told me she couldn't stand all the "weird stuff" laying around the place.

After she left it was just me and the guy left, and he wanted to take me to another location to film another part of his movie. I gathered my stuff together and waited in the foyer. That's when I realized the foyer floor was covered in marijuana. It was as if someone took a pound bag and just shook it out on the floor. The guy came to the foyer and we were about to leave, but two robbers burst in through the door. They weren't very threatening and it took me a second to realize they were serious about robbing the place (I felt they wanted to take the marijuana on the floor). One of them had a sturdy build and pretty blue eyes framed with thick eyelashes.

The guy who owned the house told me to go to the kitchen and get some bigger mugs. When I came back, one of the robbers was using another mug to gather the marijuana. The owner (and director) said to me very loud and in a way I could tell he was up to something, "Go outside and start the car because we're in a hurry to get to our next acting gig. You can leave the mugs with me. " I gave him the last mug I had, it was a big copper one, and the blue-eyed robber remarked to me, "Oh that's a good one, it's really strong." As I left to start the car, I realized the director/owner was going to fill the mugs with the marijuana and dash out of the house, and that's why he wanted me to go ahead and start the car. That's all I can remember from the dream, but it was nice to have a mostly fun dream for a change.

I've had other dreams this past week, but they were all kind of mediocre. One had something to do with a secret passage in a house, another one had someone pointing out the difference in the pelts of koalas raised in the north versus the south, and in another one I was still living with my parents. They just didn't shine very much to me, so I haven't recorded them.

Thank you for reading,


Saturday, July 7, 2007

Tornado Dream

Hello All,

Here's a picture of me in my new glasses (my old ones keep on breaking), and a picture of Angie in the sink. Last night I had a tornado dream, but I think the dream's focus was really on safe places to live.

As the dream begun, A friend showed me a new housing development supposed to be completely self-sufficient. It had its own power grid, it's own sewage system and water supply, etc. I remember the construction method. Every house begun as a wooden foundation, with what looked like a big port-a-potty towards the back, which connected to the neighborhood's sewage system. The builders made this construction for every lot, and began to build the houses on these foundations.

This new housing development was adjacent to a much older neighborhood, with a small private college in it. This neighborhood was very beautiful. The buildings were obviously very old, and the only new thing about them was their modern window panes. The buildings had decorative stonework (they seemed to be made of either gray slate, or some type of tan granite), and different plants growing up their sides. As dusk approached I could see people studying through the windows of the private college. This neighborhood really cast a contrast between it and the new self-sufficient neighborhood.

I returned home (in the dream I still lived with my parents) and went to my bedroom. It started to rain and I read for awhile, until I noticed the storm really picking up. I went to the window and the wind was blowing so hard everything outside looked like it was going to be shoved sideways off the earth. I looked up to the sky and I could see a hole opening up in the clouds with a dark wisp of clouds starting to spin out of it.

I tried to get under my bed, but I wouldn't fit, so I sat under the door-frame of my closet. I noticed the funnel-cloud was really getting pronounced, so I decided I needed to go somewhere safer. I got my parents, and we went to a walk-in closet under the stairs. We turned on the closet light and waited. The storm soon passed, but I was eager to see what had happened to the new housing development.

I went back to the housing development, and it was more or less fine. Some building materials were scattered about, and the wooden foundations were thoroughly soaked, but none of the finished houses were damaged. I wondered if the fact the neighborhood had it's own power system would make it a better place to live in case of a severe storm. The old stone neighborhood was also fine, and I wished the new neighborhood was made to look like the old neighborhood.

Well, that was my dream. Not as interesting or symbolic as my other recent dreams, but it still lets me know what's worrying me deep down inside.

Thank you for reading,


Thursday, July 5, 2007

The Two Forms of God Dream

Hello All,

Here are pictures of Angie and I mid-day Thursday. My dream last night was an odd continuation of my last posted dream. It's funny how night-to-night my dreams seem to have their own secret plot-line. Unfortunately, I'm semi-conscious during my dreams, so don't have all the fine details of what this plot-line is.

My Dream last night, started in what was supposed to be my last apartment (when I had a roommate), but the apartment didn't look anything like my former apartment. I felt so tired in the dream, I kept on falling asleep in the first bedroom to the right, which was vacant. The second bedroom to the right was mine. I remember having monumental difficulty getting from the vacant room, waylaying on a couch in between, and finally to my room. I got to my room to sleep for a while, only to soon be awakened by my friend Marcus (a friend I haven't seen in about 12 years, who I used to go to dance clubs with when I was a teenager).

I got dressed in a red, strapless, latex dress, fashioned after Samurai armor. I even had those raised Japanese clogs on (red, of course). My hair was twisted up, much like the picture of me in this post. Again, as in the last dream, the building we arrived at was made of cinder blocks. As we entered the club, I was taken aback because it was like a sordid bath-house from San Fransisco in the 70's. I kept on trying to keep up with Marcus while trying not to interrupt people having "private moments" in dark corners of the club.

I finally almost reached Marcus, but that's when I noticed I was alone in an empty part of the club. It was a hallway all made of glazed cinder blocks (like in a public pool), and the hallway went around in a square (so you could run laps around if you wanted). In the hallway before me, a group of people helped one person off a horse. I heard the person getting off the horse say, there are two ways to see God.

In front of me I saw the recently dismounted person set down a flame on the ground, this was one form of God. I quickly ran around the hallway block to get to the other side of that same hall, and saw that in the other hand facing the other way from the flame, the horse rider was holding the hilt of a sword (with no blade) that emanated straight laser beams of different colors of light, this was the second form of God.

It's funny to have this dream, when last night I had the Satan dream. I guess people's subconsciousness has a plot-line of its own. The feeling in the dream was as if I had been led through a maze, simply to be shown the two forms of God. There was no malevolent aspect of the dream, unlike the dream I had last night.

Thank you for reading,


Tuesday, July 3, 2007

A Second Look

Hello All,
While I was visiting Cindy and family (the picture of the woman), I tried to tell her about one of my dreams last night that I couldn't remember well. I decided I retold the dream well enough that I should probably write it down here because it was a very unusual dream.
In this dream I was a fat kid of WASPish descent around the age of twelve (so, not the 30ish, wiry-built man of Mediterranean descent that I am), and it was in the 1950s. I was swimming in a lake, and had to walk down a dirt road to a crossroads where a man and woman picked me up in their car. They drove me home, which appeared to be a half-way home for troubled kids. It was a rectangular, WWII era, cinder-block home with an aluminum car-port. The sun soon set and we began to watch TV.
There was some deep-set evil in the house we were all apart of, the Satan kind of evil, not the facade-of-normalcy kind of evil. It had something to do with one of the house cats giving birth to a litter of some numerological significance. I'm not sure why, but this signified some success in evil in the household. I remember watching the cat give birth in the TV light.
I remember sneaking out of the house at night and sneaking in another house in the neighborhood to get a chance to play with one of the normal kids. We were talking and playing behind some heavy art-deco screen, made to look Asian (though more New York than Beijing). The wind began to groan and fuss outside, and it began to rain. The parents of the house woke up and I quickly snuck out of the house.
I left that house with a strange sense I was not only unwanted in the house because it was late and I was there without permission, but because of some kind of evil I carried with me from the other house. I really wish I could remember why the cat giving birth in front of the TV was considered such an epicenter of evil, and what numbers had to do with it. I think that's why I didn't retell the dream this morning.
I've spent my day water-coloring and exercising at home, talking and drawing at Cindy's, and now writing this. I had a good time looking at Cindy's garden. It turns out black plum tomatoes aren't really black, they're just darker than regular tomatoes, but they taste really good. Evidently they're from Russia,, just like my watercolors.
Thank you for reading,

Saint Anthony Dream

Hello All,
My Italian Grandmother (the other one is Cuban) came from a small rural town in South Eastern Italy called Rio Nero in Vulture. Our family's patron saint is (was) St. Anthony. Even super-secular-me has two statues, and an old nightlight of Saint Anthony. The photographs in this post are of me this morning, and if you can peer back through all that stuff, it's a photo of a statue of St. Anthony that once belonged to my mother, and is the same statue that figures in my dream.
I had a dream about my grandmother back in the 70's when her hair still grew brown (if not a little reddish with age). She wore one of those big loose Mummus (sp?) so popular in the 70's. In the dream, a family member narrated as the scenes rolled through my mind like a movie. My grandmother took this little Saint Anthony statue to the church in Rio Nero in Vulture every year as a pilgrimage.
She placed the statue in one of those little fake potpourri terrariums (you know the kind with pussy-willows glued to a piece of mulch, and eyes dotted on them to look like little animals), and then walked through town to the beige stone-made church with the little glass-encased statue on a platform of hay tied around her neck, kind of like the platform a cigarette girl would wear around her neck to sell her wares.
Once she got to the church, I saw her join a large group of people in an outside courtyard within the church. People drummed frenetically, and a pipe was beeping in short bursts (more like a pipe from North Africa than Italy). The scene really looked more like Santeria, than rural Italian Catholicism. I remember feeling bad because the little potpourri terrarium she carried the statue in ended up being something I'd use as a house for my little miniature Hello Kitty dolls.
I have had about three other dreams in the past few days, but am trying to err on the side of tacitness to keep my blog readable. I might in the future decide to recant those dreams, but who knows. Well, I had better get on with my day. Thank you Michael (http://michael-in-norfolk.blogspot.com/) for mentioning my blog on your own.
Thank you for reading,

Sunday, July 1, 2007

The Day's End is too Quiet

Hello All,
Here's a rare evening picture of me, and there's no dream in this post. You see I look much the same in the evening as in the morning. No matter what I do with my day I feel the same when I go to bed. The past number of months have felt like I'm talking through a pillow while being smothered with it.
I went to a party Saturday night -- a very rare thing for me to do, and I had a good time (rare as well), but today I woke up with the same "now what?" feeling that seems to follow everything I do. You're supposed to exercise to feel better, so I exercise, but when I finish, instead of feeling good about exercising, or from the endorphins, I just feel that same old, "now what?"
If it weren't for my own fear of aging, and fear of losing my physical prowess, I doubt I'd exercise at all. Though I have to admit I have a muted sense of accomplishment when I feel able-bodied. It's the same with writing, reading, and drawing. I do enjoy these activities while I'm doing them, but only retain a muted sense of accomplishment, and then feel restless about the quite space of time after the activity. Sometimes I wonder if I acquired an exaggerated sense of life's rewards when I was very young, and that's why I now have trouble exacting and retaining pleasure from life.
Thanks for reading,